Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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