tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
