he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
