you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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