I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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