So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think your dad took our porno
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
