He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
