Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What drink are we having for lunch?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
