tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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