Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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