ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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