Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
