i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
