My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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