guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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