I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
