I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
