Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
