weddingsv make me drug and hornr
someone get that fucking seahorse.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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