My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
