btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
