bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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