apparently the secret to your success is patron
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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