So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
