just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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