Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
