Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You're like the curious george of whores
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
