I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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