if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He better not be in your backpack
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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