whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
