nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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