glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
