Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
