You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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