I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
