I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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