my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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