Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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