i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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