Moan for me like Helen Keller
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
