well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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