Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
