I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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