trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
