don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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