i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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