just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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