I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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