I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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