I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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