I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
