Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
