remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
