I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
