Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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