my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
