Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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