So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize