Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
